The many shapes of love, Polyamory as a way of life
Story by Katherine Camarata | Design by Dayana Montoya | Photos by Dylan Hanson
In your mind's eye, imagine a balanced, standard romantic couple. Many may envision a pairing of two people, perhaps a same sex couple or a heterosexual couple, two halves to some kind of whole. However, reaching beyond this dichotomy, there exists a style of loving that is open to multiple partnerships, perhaps indicating more of a triangular or circular connection than a two sided balance.
To experience love and connection to the fullest extent for many includes opening their lives to multiple romantic partners at the same time, in a lifestyle or orientation known as polyamory. Polyamory takes many different forms and can be designed in whatever way an individual or couple sees fit, based on their specific preferences and ideal boundaries.
According to the Polyamory Legal Advocacy Coalition, “Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) describes any relationship in which all participants explicitly agree to have multiple concurrent sexual, intimate or romantic relationships. The specific agreements within CNM relationships can vary depending on what the partners need and want. Polyamory is a practice and philosophy where someone has, or is open to having, multiple loving partners simultaneously with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.“
This definition places an emphasis on the philosophy of polyamory as focused on falling in love with more than one person, while CNM may be more strictly physical or participated in on certain occasions. However, there is a lot of overlap between both terms.
Discover here some variations of the expansive love style and philosophy known as polyamory that exist within our own community.
Fluctuating Fixtures of Polyamory
Polyamory can extend from arrangements such as open marriages, to people who have multiple nesting partners who live in the same dwelling at the same time, all dating each other equally. More variations include three people in one relationship, where one pairing is considered the primary partnership. In relationships like these, the other partner may have been introduced to the equation later on, and thus does not spend as much time or have the same relationship as the pairing that has been together for a longer duration. This may be referred to as hierarchical polyamory.
Others consider themselves polyamorous who may not have any partners at all, perhaps living an asexual lifestyle, engaging strictly in romantic pursuits as opposed to physical ones. These people may still remain open to as many connections as they desire. Some consider themselves solo polyamorous, according to the Instagram account @unapolygetically, run by author, therapist and nonmonogamy advocate Ro Möed, who shares countless posts and excerpts from her upcoming book destigmatizing polyamory. Solo polyamorous people prefer to live alone, separately from their partners, and may never marry while enjoying romantic connection freely. Still, other polyamorous arrangements may involve multiple partnerships where parties all date each other or exchange partners at certain times.
As one might gather, it is asking an unanswerable question to pin polyamory down with one definition. For some, it may be an ever-evolving, fluid aspect of their identity, while others define it differently.
“For many people, it simply is who they are,” says geology graduate student Shannon McKinnion, who is polyamorous. “There are some people that will go so far as to put it as being part of the plus in LBGTQ+, other people may not see it as an orientation. I know people who feel it is their orientation, I know other people who go, ‘no, no, no, this is just who I am.’”
Regardless of how one decides to categorize and label their experience, what remains static throughout these interviews is the freedom to choose how one structures their relationships based on what actually suits them best. While some may assume that desiring more than one partner signifies a lack in an already existing partnership, it may signify the opposite. This expansion can indicate feelings of security and clarity with a partner to the extent of being able to extend the boundaries of their arrangement comfortably. Doing so may open polyamorous people up to a wellspring of fresh possibilities to be seen, heard and loved.
This may involve a series of serious, thought-provoking conversations among partners, who may all meet or date each other. Boundaries are generally constructed and followed with respect to the specifically designated parameters of the relationship, which would not be possible without the foundation of clear, honest communication between all parties.
“Communication starts with communicating with oneself,“ McKinnion says. “You can't really open your heart very well and be willing to communicate deeply with other people if you're not willing to talk to yourself about it. Sometimes, I go, ‘this is making me uncomfortable, why is it making me uncomfortable?’ The biggest lesson I had to learn was not to sell myself short.“
There are no universal rules to this format of relationship, but one major emphasis is on transparent consent, to mitigate the potential emotional challenges of having multiple partners. This was emphasized by McKinnion, who has long been aware that she is polyamorous.
“I have pretty much been polyamorous since I first started seriously dating back in my late teens,“ McKinnion says. “My experience is that it works as long as everybody is on the same page, or at least has a good idea what page people are on. Communication is absolutely key.“
McKinnion compares and contrasts different styles of polyamorous relationships and how they have been effective within her life. “I have done the whole hierarchical poly thing, I have done the heavily negotiated type. The best luck I have had is what is more called ‘kitchen table.’”
McKinnion continues to explain terminology within the polyamorous community. “‘Kitchen table’ polyamory is where you, rather than having a strict hierarchy, a strict formality, there are people higher or lower, there are people in your life and they occupy this niche. I have got my spouse as my nesting partner, and she has got her spouse as well,” McKinnion elaborates. “I have got partners that are more serious, and others that are more comets. They will kind of come into your life for a bit, and then circle back and then come back into your life. You remain friends with them, it's just sometimes that relationship is a little brighter than other times.“
McKinnion expands on the metaphor of the kitchen table as a model for the structure within some of her relationships. “Relationships are what you bring to the table… My relationship with Tabi, my nesting partner, is by definition going to be different than my relationship with other people. Some of those relationships might be more intense, some might be less intense. Some of those relationships might be sexually involved. There are loving relationships I have with people that have no sexual component. It is what the people bring to it.“
McKinnion says that group calendar apps like Google Calendar are a polyamorous person's best friend. McKinnion and her nesting partner split time amongst their other spouses and partners based on what is needed for their individual schedules. “I might be in the middle of finals, and I might be really, really focused on what I need to do, at which point I may not necessarily want anybody else around,” McKinnion shares.“When I first moved here in the last month to start grad school, I had fifteen days out in the field for field work, and I saw absolutely no reason why Tabi should sit around the apartment all day if I am not going to be home for a few days at a time, so she spent that time with Chris.“
Jess Eavenson, student initiatives coordinator at the Diversity and Equity Center and self identified polyamorous person, demonstrates a different style of polyamory when explaining the current terms of their arrangements.
“I am in a committed relationship with one person. I do have a tendency to flirt with others sometimes, but as for relationship official status, it is just the one person at the moment. I mean, we're open to more,“ Eavenson says. “I think it would be really cool to have a long term, serious, other partner someday. At the moment, it's just the one, and we are secure in each other and willing to branch out to more, but not feeling pressure to. I think we can gain knowledge and wisdom from being with other people and bring that back to our core relationship.“
Legal and Social Challenges
Eavenson expresses their memory of same sex marriage becoming legalized in 2015, and how the rights for polyamorous couples and polycules still remain behind the times.
“I do wish that it was more accepted legally. Polyamorous people don't have marriage rights,“ Eavenson says. “When homosexual marriage was legalized, that was a huge step forward, because you get tax benefits and even just the ability to call your partner your spouse, that is a huge win socially. Then there are legal issues and, say you go to the hospital and you are on your deathbed and only your spouse or your immediate family are allowed to visit. That could prevent someone who you care about a lot from being able to visit you and be with you through that situation, and that's rough.“
While some see romantic love as a wholly different concept from friendship, some may view the overlaps and commonalities between the two as an analogous bridge. When a person has more than one friend and invests time in each of them, it is not standard to question the legitimacy of their friendships based on the fact that they have more than one friend to share time with. In the case of people who identify as polyamorous in America, this legitimacy is often questioned due to monogamy being the default mode of modern American society.
McKinnion says, “If you're raising children or you're raising pets, if you've got siblings or whatever, you don't usually go, ‘well I am going to love this child or this pet or this sibling, and not love the rest.’ So everybody, to a certain extent, has the ability to love more than one person. It's just when one is being polyamorous, that relationship is with multiple consenting adults, and it can be as involved as being married nesting partners, it can be more of a casual friends type situation, but the love is still going to be there.“
Eavenson describes feelings of happiness when imagining her partner potentially being happy with another person someday. This is a concept often described as compersion: happiness as a result of seeing your partner happy. This happiness may be a result of them being in a relationship with an additional partner.
To be polyamorous allows one a myriad of new possibilities to be vulnerable and share connection. With these possibilities may arise complicated emotions like jealousy. To be polyamorous is not to eliminate jealousy entirely or to never become jealous, so much as to clearly identify and communicate through these difficult emotions. All humans in all types of relationships must face these struggles at some point, no matter how uncomfortable. Monogamous couples face these same challenges, with high divorce rates indicating that perhaps this style of marriage is not as effective as one may be led to believe, despite being a standard or expectation in society.
Ro Möed of the IG account @unapolygetically explains jealousy management, stating that “feelings of jealousy are understandable as mononormative culture teaches us to see our partners' interest in others as a threat. Accept your feelings, it is much harder to work past something you ignore or repress.“
In another post in the jealousy management series, Möed continues, “your partner's love for someone else does not need to spark joy in you for you to be “properly“ polyamorous. Even if you move past jealousy, you may only feel neutral. Set your expectations at neutrality and let compersion be a bonus.“
Stigma, Misconceptions and their Undoing
McKinnion mentions some of the stigmatization and challenges she has faced socially as a result of having multiple partners in a predominantly monogamous society. “Some people give the stink eye about it. You get the people like, I don't understand this, I don't want to understand this. I know I have gotten some flack from my mother about it, but she also admits she doesn't understand and can't understand why I don't want to just be with one person. It can cause problems. There are some that will feel like if you are poly, you can't be trusted, because obviously you're cheating behind people's back or there is something otherwise wrong with you.“
In response to these misconceptions, McKinnion says she tries to explain her point of view and educate others based on where their misconceptions originate from. “If it's somebody that you, for instance, have to deal with on a daily basis, you can maybe go, ‘okay, why are you uncomfortable with this?’ They might be reacting from ignorance. They might be reacting because they know somebody who had a negative experience and think it is all like that. You find out why they are uncomfortable, and some people you just have to ignore. That is their problem, not my problem.“
As Ro Möed of @unapolygetically states, “we don't have to understand something in order to practice non judgment.“
Eavenson explains their understanding of cheating within the context of polyamory, and how the definition shifts based on whether consent and transparency are present. “The attitude toward cheating in polyamory is a bit more nuanced, just because it is not the action of being with someone else alone. It is the action of being with someone else and not communicating that, not getting permission, for lack of a better word,“ Eavenson says. “It's based on your boundaries whether something is cheating. If you don't communicate then yeah, it is cheating. But If you do and everyone's okay with it, then it's polyamory.“
Ro Möed of the Instagram account @unapolygetically shares and addresses common myths about polyamory, including that it is all about sex and requires no commitment. Möed states, “Cheating requires betrayal and polyamory requires consent … People enthusiastically consent to various types of dynamic.“
McKinnion offers advice for allies who hope to hold space for polyamorous people in our society. “The best way to be supportive of people who are poly, in my viewpoint, is simply to be accepting of it. If somebody mentions, this partner isn't going to be able to go with me to this event, but this partner is going to be able to, just go, ‘oh okay, no problem.’ If they encounter you out with another partner, do not think, ‘oh my god, something tawdry and horrible is going on here.’ Just be accepting and don't be afraid to ask questions. Most people that are poly are more than happy to answer questions about it.“
Eavenson mentions the need for conversations about polyamory to take place early on. “I think it should be a question that is asked when you enter a relationship automatically, like, are you monogamous? Are you polyamorous? On meeting someone, so that one of them is not condemned. If they want to be seeing a lot of people, it doesn't mean that they're just screwing someone over or something. No one says you can't have more than one friend at a time. I don't see why this should be different.“
Perhaps as one moves forward into their future as a human being that is loved and loves in turn, they may imagine a universe where loving as many people as you want is a freedom and human right. Opening up communication about these topics may lead to greater opportunity for connection and clarity.